Kids

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.

“How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’ and it didn’t move”

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later…..”Da-ad….”

“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?”
“No, You had your chance. Lights out.”
Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…..”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??”
I told you NO! If you ask again, I’ll have to smack you!!”
Five minutes later……”Daaaa-aaaad…..”
“WHAT!”
“When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?”

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”

The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mummy,will you sleep with me tonight?”
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children’s sermon.

All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and,as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?”
The little girl replied, directly into the minister’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mum says it’s a bitch to iron.”

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, “Mummy, you are getting fat!”
I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.”
“I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your bum?”

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

“Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mum.”
“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked
“Yes,” he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
The mother asked, “And are you teachingthem to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
“What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.

She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken
Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”
The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!’”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply,

“I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.”
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.”
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr.
Sugarbrown’s daughter?”
She replied, “I thought I was, butmother says I’m not.”

10. A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?”

Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.”
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re gonna get hair on your muffin.”
She says, “Yes, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too.”

Geeky

1. Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy.

2. You make my software turn to hardware!

3. Your graphics are so beautiful that they rival Doom 3.

4. You look like my World of Warcraft character. Want to go back to my place and do some Player vs. Player?

5. Honey, you're hotter than a CPU without a cooler.

6. Girl, I'd like to read your contents.

7. Could you include("me") in your bedroom tonight?

8. Great configuration, girl. Would you let me to your control panel?

9. You have great hardware, but to make it work properly, I have to install my software, which has to be transfered from my USB stick. Can I stick it to you so we can begin with the installation proccess?

10. Hi, I'm a PHP developer. I've just made get_current_user() check and it seems that you're single.

11. Hi, I'm a geek and I like to play FPS. Can I play FPS with you? (Where FPS stands for First Person Sex)

12. Would you, please, strip your tags for me?

13. What do you say we go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply.

14. Hello, can I do exec("my_usb_stick") on your server?

15. I admit, I'm kind of a geek by day… But a sex machine by night!

Engrish

Engrish refers to grammatically incorrect variations of English, often found in East Asian countries. From poorly translated signs, menus, and instruction manuals to bizarrely worded advertisements and strange t-shirt slogans, here are the top 20 engrish pictures.



Deformed person???



"Eliminate horniness"



"A time sex thing"??.. a horrible translation for what it should read "articles for (daily) use"







"Keep out of children"



"I'm cock"



Dishonest trick?



"Don't fall down"



"Enviro Mental Protection Area"... yeah, we hate those enviros!







"Horny Care"



WTF?!



On a T-Shirt



Interesting service...



So profound...



Those STUFF people...



















Want to fill your car's fuel tank in Italy? No problem -- just make sure you "out to the spy of the select bomb, to take the supplier."